Dear Oliver

Before I go to sleep every night, I make sure that you're still breathing. Since you were born almost 8 years ago you have even got the odd poke in the ribs or tickle under the chin to make sure you're alright... It's a habit now I need to know you're safe before I can close my eyes at night but you don't know that. You don't see the little things I do. We do, for you when you're not looking. You don't realise how special you are to us, do you?

I don't care that you're 8 years old next month, you are and always will be my baby. How cliché huh? Well it's true because you, little man, are my first born, the one who changed my life forever and you've got a special spot in my heart. You've paved the way for your sister too because whenever she does something I compare her to you without even thinking which is silly because you're both unique humans, totally different in most ways. You're both beautifully blonde though, my hair is so dark... lucky little things.

So when you have a tantrum saying that I don't care it upsets me so much because I really do, I think you know deep down that I do and you're just being a grumpy kid. That's ok but one day come here and read this blog, know that you're my no.1 boy. You're a little sweetheart and you've turned into the most gorgeous young boy and big brother to your little sister. But you can be a complete pain too....  ohh you really can. Anyway, I know that she takes up so much time, she is sometimes a complete cow to you - there's no excuse for her stealing your toys, pinching you which she does occasionally do for no bloody reason at all! I've seen it... trust me... and I've told her off the best I can. But also I've occasionally seen you being a little monkey to her too. 

It's just your sister takes up so much time - I know that you miss having time where it was just us two against the world but it's not like that anymore, I wish that we could have little days just us where you could get more attention too but I wish you could understand that I am always doing things for you... being your mum continues behind the scenes too you know? One day you'll be older and you'll realise that I genuinely was just busy dealing with your sisters tantrum or helping her to the toilet, doing things she can't do without me yet, not like you can.

I wish I had relaxed a little more when you were a baby, focused on the things you were doing and didn't worry about the things you didn't do compared to every other baby at baby group. Where has the time gone? But guess what, I'll say the same about your sister too because I haven't relaxed as much as I should. I don't give either of you as much space as I should and I do wrap you both up in cotton wool - I'm your mum.

Love, xx